I do believe I might actually find religion if I once – ONCE – had an experience with Chase Bank that did not end with me walking home, shaking my head in utter disbelief, wondering how in the name of Zeus’ BUTTHOLE (source anyone, source?) any corporation – financial or otherwise – can enjoy so damn many customers with such awe-inspiringly vile customer service!

I won’t take the time now to elaborate on the wretched nature of service I’ve received in the past from this spawn of irritation personified, know only that I used to be a fully satisfied Washington Mutual customer, & then Chase showed up & destroyed all hope I had left for the helpfulness of the financial industry.

I visited my local Chase branch today, intent on cashing a check – a check, mind you, written from another Chase account. Nothing too complicated. To waive the $6 check-cashing fee (which last I heard was a $5 fee), I gave the friendly teller my Chase-issued Mastercard. It hadn’t been activated yet, but I explained that I’d tried & the system wouldn’t let me. No record of my account. Finally I gave her my SSN & lo & behold, she found record of me! More specifically, she found my profile. No accounts attached. When queried, she told me the only time that ever happens is when the parents of a minor open a savings account for said minor. I’m 28 & have never stooped to opening a Chase savings account. I was referred to a personal banker.

While very friendly, this personal banker came to the same conclusion: I had a profile in their system with no attached accounts. “What happened to my WaMu checking account they’d bought?” I graciously asked.  “Not a clue” was the gist of the response, “but we can open a brand new Chase Checking Account right here if you’d like!” Sure, fine, whatever. I need a local account anyway. He began the process.

After much finagling, I finally was informed I couldn’t actually open a basic Chase Checking Account, but could open another that cost $10 a month & would require me to withdraw cash directly from a teller if ever my account dipped below $100. I’m unemployed. I live frugally. No dice.

I declined.

He understood, & didn’t attempt to pressure me, a fact of which I was very appreciative. He asked if I’d still like to cash the check. Of course I did. I needed the cash to pick up my boxed-up bike & to get to the airport at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow morning. “Absolutely” came the reply. Unfortunately, he’d have to charge me the $6 non-Chase customer fee to do so.

$6 NON-CHASE CUSTOMER FEE!?!? He was holding in his hand my Chase-issued Mastercard while looking at my Chase profile on his computer monitor, proof that I was without a doubt one of the customers Chase ponied up & frickin BOUGHT from Wamu!! Why the crap am I being charged a fee for being frickin bought?!

The answer is clear: Chase is a world-class FUCK-UP of a financial organization that will take any & every opportunity to charge the living soul out of anyone unfortunate enough to cross its path. I’m so glad I wasn’t able to open an account with that damn company.

I need a hug.